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SPEAK | 30

Real | Beautiful

When I see the truthful beauty of the real you, I can’t have anything else

Can’t take the diluted, polluted, bastardized imitation

When I see the genuine beauty

That is you

My eyes can’t bear to view anything less.

I keep on craving more.

Dream

Who are you when your eyes are closed?

set self free

As you can imagine, I do quite a bit of writing. Some of the writing that I do is journaling. It helps tremendously with allowing me to see thing clearly, and plainly, just allowing me to purge all the emotions of life. It occurred to me today that it would probably be helpful to revisit my journal entries to see what I’ve written. I figured that it would be helpful to learn from past experiences. As I flipped through the pages, this entry immediately caught my eye, and so I wanted to share:


December 2017

Today’s nuggets:

Don’t accept anyone’s bitterness as your own.

Don’t take personal what shouldn’t be personal.

Let the difficulties enhance you. Become stronger.

Focus on compassion. Let love reign supreme. Ask God for help when you need to.

Remain humble.

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.”
Everything you blame, you own. What does that mean? It means that if you are stuck in a blaming cycle, you are taking ownership of something in some respect. You are owning the understanding of “it” that upset you, you are owning the emotions of “it.” Forgiveness is about blessing it, i.e. releasing, relinquishing it. Accepting no ownership of the other’s “it.” Release it. Accept that “it”  is and it is no more in your life. And YOU taking the necessary steps to move forward. Perhaps that is through distinct boundaries between yourself and “it”, or like, refusing to condone a behavior. Or maybe it’s by not allowing yourself to take any ownership of “it” anymore. Whatever the case, forgiveness is freeing, because it requires oneself to leg go. To set self free. Set self free. 


After reading the entry, it was almost like I could feel electricity running through me. My brain went haywire. Initially, I felt confused. What did this mean? I wrote this passage, but what did it mean for me now? I don’t believe in coincidences, so the fact that this morning I decided to read my journal entries (which I never do), and immediately I flipped to this one seemed divine. What did I need to hear?

I reread it in entirety. Everything you blame, you own…You are owning the understanding of “it” that upset you, you are owning the emotions of “it.” Forgiveness is about blessing it,  releasing it…

What blame was I carrying? What burden?

My mind traced back to a guided meditation that I recently did. The leader spoke about letting emotions flow, and I remember tears instantly welling in my eyes. As I recalled that experience, I knew what it was. Immediately, I knew.

Shame.

I’ve been carrying the shame and pain of dealing with mental illness for so long that it feels like it’s just a part of my identity. Inseparable. It’s stuffed so deep, and has been here for so long, that it seems etched into the fiber of me. Shame. Pain. Hurt. The notions that go on replay in my mind sound a bit like this:

I suffer from mental illnesses, so I am deficient. 

There is something inherently wrong with me because of the illnesses that I have. 

This is painful, and it’s unfair. 

I am ashamed. 

 

That’s when the Aha! moment occurred.

 

I suffer from mental illnesses, so I am deficient. Everything you blame, you own. 

There is something inherently wrong with me because of the illnesses that I have. You are stuck in a blaming cycle…Release it. Accept that “it” is…

This is painful, and it’s unfair. “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.”

There is something inherently wrong with me because of the illnesses that I have. maybe it’s…not allowing yourself to take any ownership of “it” anymore. 

I am ashamed. forgiveness is freeing, because it requires oneself to leg go. To set self free. Set self free. 

 

Chills. This gave me chills this morning. All I know is, I needed to hear this. I’m glad that I did.

Untitled design

dazed and confused

no one knows the trouble i feel…no one knows the sorrow…”

Today has been rough. The past few days. I see more and more symptoms of my BPII that I haven’t seen before (at least not to this magnitude), and it’s truly affecting my work life, personal relationships, and day-to-day interactions. I know it’s cheeky to say this, but I feel like a crazy person. It’s becoming more apparent (to me at least), that I’m struggling with a disability.

For one, there’s the confusion. I stumble through my days, trying to make it, but I always feel dazed and confused. It affects me at work, since I’m in a new position, and now I’m making all of these silly mistakes that I’ve never made before. My colleagues are telling me some of the same things repeatedly because things just aren’t sinking in. I work on my tasks and projects at a snail’s pace, because the material is taking longer and longer to sink in, and I’m becoming increasingly afraid of making a mistake.

Oh, and the fear is real. I’m making mistakes repeatedly because there seems to be a cognitive block – a barrier – that is keeping me from fully comprehending the work in front of me. It’s troubling, because I went from a director role to a manager-level position, and now I’m in an administrative role because of my disability. My illness is affecting my ability to function, and all people see is someone who is seemingly inept. Careless. Or, dare I say it, plain ‘ol dumb.

Only adding insult to injury, my interactions are suffering as well. I go back and forth in a tug of war between the emotional and rational sides of my brain (thanks, CBT, for the education), and the emotional side always, I mean, fucking ALWAYS wins. That in itself isn’t good, but it’s even worse since my emotional brain is completely nutso.

My emotional brain tells me that everyone and everything are plotting against me (hello, paranoia). Everyone and everything hate me. Everyone thinks I’m the worst person in the world, and thus, I need to A) keep my guard up, B) be overly apologetic, because something – anything – that I did probably, sorta, maybe offended someone and I need to apologize. Otherwise, they will hate me even more. Because, duh, they already hate me.

Mix that potion, and you can probably imagine the state of my interpersonal relationships. They are just as reflective of my bipolar: either on the hinges of breaking, since I’m usually raging or distant, or poorly maintained, because I’m becoming a pushover.

It’s just a bad situation.

I am trying though. I keep trying; I can at least say that about myself. I’ve mastered the art of picking myself up, after every fall. Hopefully, I’ll fall a little less. Hopefully.

Daily Prompt: Present

yesterday you doesn’t matter

neither does one-minute-ago you

just right now

thank God for who and what and right now

even if it hurts even if it hurts even if it’s less than perfect

it’s here it’s here

thank God for the present

it’s here

via Daily Prompt: Present

there’s a lot going on

So the original goal of the new revamping of this site was for it to be a place/space for me to write about my experiences/struggles/life/triumphs openly and candidly. Also, it was to be an area for me to share my poetry, essays, and whatever else that I felt like sharing with the world. Furthermore, I wanted for it to be this huge amalgamation of these things in hopes of it inspiring the wonderful folks who glaze over these pages with their eyes.

That said, I knew that it probably wouldn’t make sense for me to categorize these things (poetry, essays, etc etc) as I did with CUSP | 29 for one huge and glaring reason: bipolar 2. There it is in writing. That thing right there? I have it. So what does that mean? Well to be fair, it means quite a many things for me, but one of the biggest things is that it means that my mind tends to run and jump and race and walk and jog and hop all over the place. Sometimes I want to go left, and it goes right. Sometimes I mean well, and it, well…yeah.

Truthfully speaking, I’m learning the beautiful art of surrender. It’s a bipolar person’s often necessary balm of life. Surrender to that which you cannot control. Or to that which you have biological difficulty controlling. And that, ladies and gents, would happen to be my big, illustrious brain. It does what it wants, and I take heed. Creatively speaking, it kind of sucks, but I’m learning to roll with it. What choice do I have?

Hopefully, if you’re reading this and you have a loved one with a mental illness, my words will give their experience credence in your eyes, or at the very least, a bit more enlightenment. If you, like me, are one of the fam, then let’s use these pages for catharsis together. Ultimately, that’s all I’m hoping for.

Fear fear fear

The thing about fear is it acts like it’s your friend.

Steadily approaching you with a sugary smile about its face, cooing, Fear tells you that it’s here and wants to keep you safe. Once it gives you a gentle embrace, out of nowhere, it squeezes tighter and tighter until it’s completely caught hold of you. The sugary sweet smile begins to slip away and twist into a sly and dreadfully ugly sneer (which was there all along); and as it rears its ugly head back in a roaring laugh, it pulls the shackles out and quickly latches them around your wrists and waist. Then it pulls you in tight.

coloradobiz
Image via ColoradoBiz

Fear’s got you. You know it, and it knows it too. You’re totally helpless.

Fear is not, nor ever will it be, your friend.

But what about survival instincts, and being smart, and staying safe, and, and —

FEAR IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

Don’t let the lies of fear soothe Continue reading “Fear fear fear”

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